And so the decline begins .......

I am currently in the shiny new QE hospital in Birmingham. I felt a bit gippy about 4 on Sunday afternoon (29th January). By 6, when we sat down at cafe soya after the Chinese New Year celebrations, my stomach was bloated and I had stabbing pains at the top of my pregnancy bump-shaped belly. I didn't eat much, which is almost a criminal thing to do to a cafe soya meal!

I started vomiting about midnight, and since it seemed like something to do, my body decided to carry on doing it until about 6 or 7am on Monday morning (30th). Then it appears to have got bored and stopped.

I was left with massive abdominal pains, which I attributed to having maybe pulled muscles while vomiting. Appendicitis was suggested, though the pain was more on the left than the right (where the appendix is) so not that. Eventually conceding that this was too much pain for a normal upset stomach or food poisoning, I rang my GP at 11. They helpfully offered me their first available appointment on the 15th. A&E seemed a better option. I could hardly uncurl to walk, and barely speak, so Dad drove me in. I was seen pretty quickly.

Got kept in for observation, and a lengthy series of tests began, along with morphine (because whatever the cause, it certainly hurt) and lots of antibiotics ( because whatever lump of flesh turned out to be infected, some of me was definitely infected)

On day 2 of a lengthy series of progressive tests gradually ruling things out, I was diagnosed with idiopathic pancreatitis. Most common in the over 70s (I deny this!), alcoholics (practically teetotal) or as a knock on effect of gall stones (couldn't find any, and my cholesterol is normal, surprisingly). I haven't had a scorpion bite, or any of the other causes, so basically it's idiopathic - a medical term, meaning, from the Latin "hey, sometimes shit just happens".

I was 2 days on morphine (so now I can cross heroin off the try-before-you-die list), and now on day 4 in here.

And there's bad news. Pancreatitis, like appendicitis, can be fatal. That's not the problem. Like that, it's an organ which is a kind of cul-de-sac piece of thing which is attached to the digestive system.

Pancreas is a two-for-one bargain. It acts as a gland into the blood stream and regulates blood sugar, thanks to its early warning system of knowing what's about to enter the bloodstream as it dips a finger and tastes what's going past in the big tube, just after the stomach. That could have been the bad news. Part of my pancreas got so inflamed and squished, it went necrotic (it got deaded), but not enough that it seems to have left me with any diabetes.

Secondly, it spits out digestive enzymes into the gut at the top of the small intestines, just after the stomach has finished. These enzymes are fat-digesters. And they have a sick note. For 3 months. February, March and April could see local businesses (chip shops) under threat as their takings plummet. And after that, I've got to eat sensibly, and not descend into mindless chip-focussed hedonism. No more binge chipping. No more celibacy and chips and rock&roll.

At a funeral for an alcoholic wife beater, a womaniser who couldn't be trusted, or a prick who died jumping off a building for kicks, the eulogies will be heavy on the phrase "he loved life" or maybe "he lived his life to the full".

A fat bastard like me dies (even if it isn't directly bloody related!) and fingers point, and people mutter. "Hardly surprising, really. Just greedy. Couldn't control himself."

People have been very quick to blame my diet already, and while it's part of the solution, it was not a part of the cause.

And I am weak. I have a weakness for food. There are worse things in the world.

So here's the thing. If you were considering giving lectures (first time or continuation) on this being my own fault or on various themes encompassing dietary causes, what I need to do and should have done ages ago, overdue lifestyle changes, any kind of moral or social judgments, then fuck off. I don't care how convinced you are that you are right, it's not helpful, and nothing will lead to a return to glorious chip-based hedonism faster than this. I am nothing if not self-destructive and wilfully stubborn. Don't try and make me, I will resist.

Quite simple really. The hard bit will be me on a low fat diet until 1st May. That's where I'm going to need help. If you take the fat away, what can I eat that isn't sawdust or shrubbery? Rather than "stick", how do you make carrot an appealing prospect for a meal?

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